23.04.10
The current hot topic in the grandparenting world centres around the government's attempts to annex grandparents as a cause prior to the general election with a lot of announcements about how they need help and recognition - and financial incentives. To be fair, it isn't just the government - they're all at it. This in turn has given rise to a backlash from outraged grandparents who quite rightly resent any whiff of being talked down to.
I've made some radio appearances recently where I've been asked about my take on this. First of all, while I don't want to be a pawn in anyone's game, I'm glad that politicians in general have finally realised that grandparents are in fact a cause - that our contribution to family life is important enough to matter in the big picture; that our efforts within the family and the national economy should be facilitated rather than taken for granted or in too many cases, hampered.
Because what it comes down to is understanding and respect for the role we play. Quite apart from helping to hold the family together, we contribute billions to the economy in childcare costs. By no means free of our own responsibilities, financial and otherwise, we willingly take on the care of our grandchildren - we do it for love, but for some grandparents it can be a step too far and their health or financial stability can be threatened.
Here's one example: What if a grandparent can't afford not to work, at least part-time, but would like to help their working children by providing pre-school child care for one or more of their grandchildren? What if the parents want to give that grandparent their childcare vouchers? In order to make that happen the grandparent has to register formally as a child minder, with all the training, inspections, checks etc. that this entails - and take on the care of at least one other child who is not part of their family. The latter is something that they well might not want to do.
Here's another: If a child's parent/s become unable to raise it, and grandparents wish to become full time parents to their grandchildren, they're unlikely to get much, if any, financial help to do this, even though they might have to give up work to do it, and though the local authority might otherwise have to pay registered foster parents a considerable sum to do the job.
What grandparents need, is realisation by the powers that be - whoever they are - that one size doesn't fit all, and that we're a hugely valuable resource .
I was also asked onto radio the other day to discuss the suggestion that families without grandparents should 'adopt a granny'. The idea is that there are a lot of lonely old folks out there just longing to be part of a loving family - and millions of children who would benefit from having a gran and granddad on tap. It's not a new concept and in principle there's nothing wrong with it, of course. In fact I know elderly people who help with reading classes at the local school.
But it's not quite as easy as it sounds and it couldn't happen overnight. People would need to get to know one another well, for example, and it would take time to develop love and trust between the 'grandparents' and the child. And then there's the CRB test and any other safeguards that might be deemed necessary.
It seems to me the most important thing is to honour the grandparents we have and treat them fairly, and if the political parties are waking up to this, then as long as they stop trying to teach this grandmother to suck eggs, I'm all for it.
02.04.10
A couple of weeks ago I gave a presentation on caring for elderly parents to a group of people who work full-time. Some of them have their parents living with them, in other cases they're trying to keep an eye on parents who are still living in their own homes.
Their questions revealed how stressful all of this can be; 'My parents are very old and frail - I'm the only child - how can I get my life back?', 'My dad can't look after himself so mum does everything and it's wearing her down - how can I help her?', 'I have to spend all my precious weekends visiting my parents - my brother does nothing - how can I change this?'
The elderly have a right to a local authority assessment to determine their needs, but what's not often realised is that carers themselves - that's relatives, not just spouses - are also entitled to one. And it's obliged to take into consideration their job, social life and hobbies. Having done this assessment (they must give you a copy), the local authority is then obliged by law to provide those services, (although they're means tested and therefore not necessarily free).
The problem is, often people don't even realise they are carers. They're your parents after all, aren't they? Your mum has looked after your dad all their married life - she doesn't realise that what she's doing now is any different. £millions in grants go unclaimed each year because of this.
And there are local support groups for full-time carers, people who are going through the same experiences and can share. At the sessions I always find that people want to talk, to let off steam; just for a few minutes to have the luxury of sharing all their anxieties and frustration with someone who'll understand and not judge them. I tell them the truth - they're not alone - everyone in their situation has those feelings at some time; that it's OK to feel like that - they're human, they don't have to be perfect.
30.03.10
Creating this website has been exciting. I've learned some new skills in the process, and now I'm sending it out to seek its fortune on the world wide web. (If you encounter any problems with it, please let me know so I can fix them.)
The website has made me realise that everything I do is about communication - of course I'm first and foremost a journalist so it would be, but more than that, it's about understanding what makes people tick - right now.
As a woman's magazine editor I've had to know what my readers worry about, what they love, hate, laugh at, what gets them out of bed in the mornings - because it's a three-dimensional relationship. I was fortunate in always having a wonderful team who realised this too and together we were able to bring all kinds of entertainment, information, emotional and practical support to millions of women and indirectly, their families.
Writing the books has required an even deeper look into what people are feeling and thinking. In the process I've come to believe that families, partners, friends, colleagues, just don't talk to each other enough, and as a result tiny dramas become enormous crises, marriages fall apart, siblings learn to hate each other. This millennium we're all so busy we often don't have time to eat a meal together, never mind hold a conversation. All manner of nasty things can happen when a little bit of talking - and listening - could blow the problem away like dust.
When I've been doing radio phone-ins I've found myself asking people if they've actually talked about how they're feeling, or asked the other person how it seems to them, and the answer is often 'I don't know how'.
I hope that some of what I do helps change this, on both the family and the work front.